12 Days of Hellsing
by Sam Alucard
Summary: Everybody's favorite Hellsing characters taking advantage of everybody's favorite Christmas carol!


I don't own em. Never did. I want to tho. Ash belongs to the Duchess of Hell and Sam is mine, so no touchy. If you do, I will send my army of undead ringwraiths after you and they will not go easy on your hide. So be warned. Read and enjoy fellow readers!!!

Post Mistress General's Note: *blush* Er, yeah, Ash would be myself in fiction character form. And yeah, she's got a thing about Alexander Anderson. You'll find out later. Just...just read.

  
  


[Cheesy Christmas music, the kind you find playing in shopping malls in November, starts up the familiar tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"] 

Integra: 

On the first day of Hellsing 

My Master gave to me 

An extremely annoying vampire!

[Alucard comes in through the ceiling, Cassul and Jackal with him] 

Alucard: 

On the second day of Hellsing 

My Master gave to me 

Two great big guns! 

Integra: 

And an extremely annoying vampire! 

[Seras enters, toting her Halconnen Cannon]

Seras: 

On the third day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

Anti Freak Halcannon Cannon! 

Alucard: 

Two great big guns! 

Integra: 

And an extremely annoying vampire! 

[Walter walks in, something thin and silvery whipping about in the air behind him]

Walter: 

On the fourth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

Monofilament wire! 

Seras: 

Anti Freak Halcannon Cannon! 

Alucard: 

Two great big guns! 

Integra: 

And an extremely annoying vampire! 

[Anderson enters through the window on the side of the room opposite Alucard, blades at the ready]

Anderson: 

On the fifth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

Five holy blades!! 

Walter: 

Monofilament wire! 

Seras: 

Anti Freak Halcannon! 

Alucard: 

Woo! Look at these! NICE!!!

[The cheesy Christmas music continues] 

Integra: 

God, that Alucard is annoying!! 

[Enrico Maxwell enters, a holly wreath and Father Ronaldo with him]

Enrico: 

On the sixth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

Father Ronaldo! 

Anderson: 

Five holy blades! 

Walter: 

Monofilament wire! 

Seras: 

This thing is heavy! 

Alucard: 

When you pull the trigger, they go BOOM!!!! 

Integra: 

You are so annoying!!!!! 

[The music continues to go along as Yan and Luke Valentine, dressed as the ghosts of Christmas Future and Past, respectively.]

Luke: 

On the seventh day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

A tour bus full of dead guys! 

Enrico: 

Father Renaldo! 

Anderson: 

Five holy blades! 

Walter: 

Look out! It's dangerous! 

Seras: 

My arm hurts! 

Alucard: 

Oh master! You wanna hold one of my guns? 

Integra: 

Get away from me you annoying bastard!

[The music continues, even as the tour bus full of ghouls crashes through one wall, the ghouls falling out of it drunkenly waving about cups of bloody egg nog and attempting to sing by groaning in tune. It sounds like "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reinder" or possibly "Frosty the Snow Man"] 

Yan: 

On the eighth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

An army of f*&^%ing ghouls! 

Luke: 

A tour bus full of dead guys! 

Enrico: 

Father Renaldo! 

Anderson: 

Five holy blades! 

[One of the ghouls bites the dust because of Walter's killer floss]

Walter: 

Oops! Sorry! Very sorry! It was an accident! 

Seras: 

This thing is such a bother! 

Alucard: 

Come on, Master! I KNOW you want to!!! 

Integra: 

Go away!!! 

[Incognito arrives dressed as the Ghost of Christmas Present...in his trench coat. And the music continues to annoy the crap out of Integra...and the author]

Incognito: 

On the ninth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

A really spiffy trench coat! 

Yan: 

Check out these f*&^%ing ghouls, man!!! 

Luke: 

Shut up Yan! I have a tour bus to run! 

Enrico: 

This is very fun, isn't it, Father Renaldo? 

[Anderson FINALLY notices Alucard and lunges after him. Alucard merely turns to shadows and laughs. Anderson starts chasing the other vampires around the room.]

Anderson: 

DIE UNHOLY MONSTERS!!! 

Walter: 

This is fun! 

Seras: 

Alucard! Can I hold one of your guns? 

Alucard: 

Depends on which one you want to hold . . . 

Integra: 

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! 

[Helena pops out of Incognito's stomach, dressed as Tiny Tim]

Helena: 

On the tenth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

Lots of brand new books! 

Incognito: 

Check out my trench coat! 

Yan: 

Who gives a f*&^% about your f*&^%ing trench coat!? 

Luke: 

Tourists!!! 

Enrico: 

This is great Father Renaldo! 

We're all getting along!!! 

Anderson: 

WHERE'S ALUCARD!?!!? 

Walter: 

Oh dear . . . this isn't right . . . 

Seras: 

Come on Master! You're so mean! 

Alucard: 

THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Integra: 

I'm getting such a headache . . . 

[Sam and Ash, the author and Post Mistress General, enter giggling at their meddling with the Hellsing world while Sam types in a lap top, and Ash looks for the source of the music to turn it the hell off.]

Ash: 

On the eleventh day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

A Scottish Catholic Fundy! 

Helena: 

My, I have so many books . . . 

Incognito: 

WILL SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY TRENCH COAT!?!?! 

Yan: 

FINE!!! IT SUCKS!!! 

Luke: 

YAN!!!! 

Enrico: 

Um . . . aren't you going to say something, Father Renaldo? 

[Anderson has been denied killing something as all the vampires in the room, save Alucard and Seras, are already destroyed. He slumps down on the floor and pouts.]

Anderson: 

I WANNA STAB SOMETHING!!! 

[Walter meanwhile is trying to keep everyone from killing someone else, mostly by threatening injury by monofilament wire.]

Walter: 

Now everyone! Stop squabbling! 

Seras: 

Master! Stop being mean to me! 

Alucard: 

MUAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

Integra: 

Can I have an Asprin? 

Sam: 

On the twelfth day of Hellsing 

My master gave to me 

A basket case with big guns! 

[Ash gives up looking for the music and glomps Anderson instead]

Ash: 

ALEXANDER! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! 

Helena: 

Oh my goodness . . . 

Incognito: 

My trench coat does NOT suck!!! 

Yan: 

You look like a DBZ reject man! 

Luke: 

Yan said something intelligent for once!!! 

Enrico: 

These people are very crazy, aren't they Renaldo? 

[Anderson does not even notice the teenager hanging off his neck]

Alex:: 

WHERE ARE YOU ALUCARD!?!?!?!? 

Walter: 

Don't step all over my floors! I just polished them!! 

Seras: 

Oh bloody hell! 

Alucard: 

MASTER! I WANT TO SHOOT SOMETHING!!!! 

Integra: 

FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!! 

[We pull back to reveal that, indeed, everyone is in her office. At her yell, everyone grows silent and the music abruptly cuts off. Everyone begins to file out of Integra's office mumbling about how she has no Christmas spirit. Integra glares after them and fishes in a desk drawer for the aspirin. When she doesn't find it, she merely lights a cigar.]


End file.
